Today's Horrorscope

Capricorn: Yes, you think everything's just ducky right now, but think again. Perhaps that sensitive side you loved so much in your man indicates a latent homosexuality, or, at the very least, a preference for clean bedsheets. As Venus and Jupiter align towards the middle of the month expect a shift in your professional life – you're being made redundant. Indulge yourself in your new-found leisure time with impossible budgets, agonizing over child care on the remote chance you might ever find a decent job again, and a profound and deep-seated regret over how your life turned out.

Funday lunch.

Yep. It's the same.

Driven from my bed at lunchtime by a great hunger and fmall thirft. Donned fuitable attire of doublet, Pink Floyd t-fhirt and peri-wig, and ventured the ten yardf required from my doorftep to find myfelf in The Dolphin hoftelry, wherein waf ferveth roaft dinner and a flagon of Mr. Piddle's ale by a comely ferving-wench. Thuf re-invigorated, made all hafte home, grabbed a roll of Handrex and Lucozade for rehydration, and fettled in to a 4-hour compilation of bizarre yet ftrangely appealing midget porn ("Deviant Dwarvef", twelve-ninety-five off of Dirty Barry at the chippie. Afk for a "mini faveloy and fmall haddock").

Not a Doctor

Actually I'm technically not a Doctor. I just like to experiment a bit. On cadavers. Don't judge me.

It's a beautiful day pop-pickers!

Time to put down that boiled cabbage and bacon, or whatever, dust off those brogues and get out there and enjoy the day! Except for me. I'm going to bed.

Meat muffins.

In the spirit of domesticity, I have invented a new dish: Meat muffins.  Perfect for a tasty treat after raking leaves on a bright, autumnal day or sneaking a moody toke in the potting shed.


Here is the recipe:

Ingredients:

4 boxes muffin mix
A nice bit of meat
 1 kg salt
Some water

Method:

Take the nice bit of meat (any old nice bit of meat will do, really) and using a large mixing bowl, combine with muffin mix.
Add water, salt and confectioner's clay and form into muffin shaped piles.
Bake in a pre-heated oven for a bit, until the juice runs clear.
Turn out onto a rack and allow to cool until bin temperature.
Discard.


Cooking time 10 - 55 minutes. Probably.

Sunrise, Poole harbour.

Sunrise at Poole Harbour.

Letters from History

Letters From History:

To:

His Excellency,
Emperor Napoleon I,
Place de la Revolution,
Paris,
France.

Admiralty, London. 21st October, 1804

Dear Sir,

I humbly refer to your Correspondence of the 14th inst.

yor a cunt

And I remain, Sir, Your Most Obedient Servant, Yours Most Sincerely, &c. &c.

Adm. Ld. Vt. Horatio Nelson, KP (Nuts).
Admiralty,
London.
England.

Post scriptum: and yor mum Has fleas